Apollo 18: The Nixon Files
by Andrew Joshua Talon
Summary: A crossover between Portal and the dreadful movie Apollo 18 starring Richard Nixon and Cave Johnson as they fight to save the world from moon spiders. Yes, you read that right.
1. Chapter 1

_Apollo 18: The Nixon Files_

_A fix-fic by Andrew J. Talon_

Disclaimer: _Apollo 18_, _Portal_ and _Doctor Who_are the properties of their respective owners. This is a non-profit fan parody, please support the official release.

* * *

_November 14th, 1969_

Manned Spacecraft Center, Houston, Texas

Nixon: I've got to tell you Paine, I love this whole _Sesame Street_ thing. Muppets, _Muppets!_It's simply incredible. It's absolutely amazing! I tell ya, every kid in the country's going to be enthralled.

Paine: Yes Mr. President... But you know how Howdy Doody turned out.

Nixon: Oh come on, Howdy Doody was a national landmark.

Paine: It was kind of disturbing, sir.

Nixon: How?

Paine: Well, that puppet... It's eyes were kind of dead, you know? Like some creepy doll's eyes.

Nixon: Aw come on, it wasn't that bad. It was charming.

Paine: So you never dreamed of that damn puppet coming at you with a knife in the middle of the night with that dead stare and grin, your blood dripping off the shining metal?

Nixon: ... Tom? Sometimes you worry me.

Paine: Sorry Mr. President, I've been under a lot of stress.

Nixon: Well, launching a moon rocket has that kind of an effect...

Paine: That... And what I called you here for.

*They enter one of the labs currently analyzing the moon rocks recovered from Apollo 11. Nixon's Secret Service detail stays outside, along with his aide*

Nixon: The moon rocks. I've seen them before Tom...

Paine: Yes sir, but... Well... Pull on these goggles and watch it when I turn out the lights.

*Nixon does so, as does Paine. The lights go out*

Paine: Move towards the glass with me. Slowly... Keep watching...

Nixon: Tom, if this is another one of your pranks...

Paine: Pranks?

Nixon: You know, the one you and Kissinger pulled about those alien Chinese dinosaurs-

*The rock breaks open, revealing claws and spidery legs. It scuttles around and leaps towards the glass, cracking it.*

Nixon: HOLY FUCKING SHIT! SON OF A BITCH!

*The Secret Service busts in and turns the lights back on. Upon seeing the President and the Administrator of NASA being menaced by some kind of alien crab, the head of the detail does the logical thing*

Secret Service Agent: GET DOWN!

*Nixon and Paine drop down as the Secret Service opens up on the crab with their handguns, blowing it apart. Alarms go off and chemical cleaning sprinklers go off above them*

Nixon: ... Tom, please tell me this is just water...

Paine: Ah... I'm afraid not, Mr. President.

Nixon: Damnit...

*After an unpleasant chemical scrubbing and a change of clothes, President Nixon meets with Thomas Paine in a secret location to catch his breath*

Paine: "Joe's Diner"? Really Mr. President?

Nixon: Who would believe that the president of the United States was meeting in the back room of a normal Houston diner? Besides, the cheeseburgers are to die for. Gladys, ring us up a few. Extra pickles on mine.

Gladys: Of course Mister, uh, "Nickson."

Paine: Nickson?

Nixon: Tom, I just had an alien crab monster from the moon try to eat my nose. We're already in the realm of the absurd. Let me have my cheeseburger in peace.

Paine: Of course, Mr. President.

*After recovering his strength*

Nixon: So... Alien crab monsters?

Paine: Yes sir.

Nixon:You couldn't have told me by phone?

Paine: Well, after the little joke with Kissinger...

Nixon: Say no more. Little more dramatic than I would have liked...

Paine: In all honesty sir, that glass was bulletproof. I thought it would hold.

Nixon: We're not infected with anything, thank God...

Paine: Yes... We aren't.

Nixon: How many?

Paine: It was an intern from Caltech. He's infected, we don't know what it is.

Nixon: What's the prognosis?

Paine: He's being eaten alive from the inside...

Nixon: *Puts down his cheeseburger with a grimace* I see... Anyone else?

Paine: No Mr. President. It looks like we got lucky. The Apollo 11 crew wasn't touched by them. We don't know why... We don't know a lot of things, to be honest.

Nixon: Damn... How many of those things did we bring back?

Paine: Hard to say... Under pretty much every scan, the rocks look like, well... Rocks. What are we going to do?

Nixon: Simple Tom... We're going to call on another expert in the bizarre to figure this out, while I confer with my staff and the military. What if we just found the local wildlife? What if there are bigger and badder things out there just waiting to pounce? We could have a panic on our hands, if not an invasion. So, first things first: Have Apollo 12 do some basic recon, see if they can find anything of interest.

Paine: All right... But uh, who is this expert you're calling in?

Nixon: Someone absolutely no one will believe if he tells the world about this crap.

Paine: Oh no... Mr. President, you're not seriously considering-

Cave Johnson: CAVE JOHNSON! CEO of Aperture Science and big donor to the George Wallace campaign of 1968!

Nixon: Yes Cave, we're aware of this...

Paine: *Buries his face in his palms*

Nixon: One question, Cave... Why the hell are you dressed as a woman?

Cave: No diner in Houston will serve me after the Missing Astronaut hearings.

Nixon: Will they serve you now?

Cave: No, but at the very least they won't shoot me.

Gladys: YOU! *KER-CHAK!*

Nixon: You were saying?

* * *

Why? Because _Apollo 18_ fucking _sucks_, _Portal_ and _Doctor Who_ are awesome, and damnit Nixon was awesome in that episode. Well everyone was awesome but making Nixon likable is a rare feat in pop culture nowadays.


	2. Chapter 2

_Apollo 18: The Nixon Files_

_A fix-fic by Andrew J. Talon_

Disclaimer: _Apollo 18_, _Portal_ and _Doctor Who_are the properties of their respective owners. This is a non-profit fan parody, please support the official release.

* * *

_January 12th, 1970_

The White House Situation Room

President Nixon, Sec. of State Henry Kissinger, NASA Administrator Thomas O. Paine, the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and Sec. of Defense Melvin Robert Laird

Nixon: All right gentlemen, it's been a few months since Apollo 12. What have you got for me?

Paine: Well sir, as you know it was short notice to add on aspects of Apollo 12's mission... So we weren't able to do everything we could have...

Nixon: What were we able to do?

Paine: Well sir... We did an extra S-EVA.

Nixon: A what?

Paine: A Standing Extra Vehicular Activity.

Nixon: Forgive me Tom, but I thought you were _supposed_ to stand up during an EVA?

Paine: No Mr. President, an S-EVA involves standing up through the hatch on top of the LEM and looking around.

Nixon: Uh huh... And they did this for...?

Paine: Nineteen minutes.

Nixon: And what did you get?

Paine: ... To be honest Mr. President? Not much. The camera malfunctioned.

Nixon: We're facing a possible alien threat and you respond with a _nineteen minute peek out of the top of the LEM_, and the _camera malfunctions?_

Paine: *winces* Sorry sir, there was only so much we could do...

Nixon: Well what _did_ you get? Anything useful?

Paine: Well, we managed to find a radio signal... Something really unusual.

Nixon: Okay... Play it.

*The tape is played. The sounds of unearthly wailing fill the room*

Nixon: Jesus! What's that?

Admiral Thomas H. Moorer: Sounds like demons from hell...

Kissinger: Or Laird's wife.

Laird: Hey!

Nixon: Knock it off Henry.

Kissinger: If he can't take it he can get out of the kitchen, newbie.

Laird: I've been here for a year!

Kissinger: Oh? And what do _you_ have?

Laird: Something far better than a tape of... Of alien rock and roll!

Nixon: Gentlemen! Focus. All right, were you able to figure out where this damn noise came from?

Paine: Well sir, best guess is around the crater of Fra Mauro, but the scatter is so bad it could come from almost anywhere.

Nixon: Swell... How about the rocks from Apollo 12? Any aliens with them?

Paine: Yes sir, we found about ten... So far.

Laird: So far?

Paine: They're the only ones that have surfaced. For all we know, all of these rocks might be aliens.

Laird: Are you telling me the _ENTIRE MOON_ might be one big ant hill of these damn things?

Kissinger: Well, at least it's not made of cheese. That would have been _marginally_ more stupid.

Nixon: *holds up a hand* They are contained?

Paine: Yes sir...

Nixon: Good. Just make sure we don't send off any of them to foreign dignitaries, we don't need to spread these damn things...

Paine: *cough*

Nixon: ... Tom?

Paine: Er...

Kissinger: Some of the rocks we sent as part of the "Ha Ha We Landed on the Moon First Suck It" initiative are missing.

Laird: Well, that's just _perfect!_

Moorer: *sigh* I think we can assume the Russians know... Now what do we do?

Nixon: Looks like it's time for some more _realpolitik..._ Henry? You're on it.

Kissinger: I'll bring the butter...

Nixon: Good. Jokes. Just what we need more of in this administration...

* * *

_February 15th, 1970_

Aperture Laboratories, Upper Michigan

*Nixon enters the office of Cave Johnson. At his side stands his ever ready secretary Caroline*

Nixon: Well Cave, it's... Good to see you again. *shakes hands*

Cave: Thanks Mr. President! This is Caroline, my secretary.

Nixon: We've met before. Miss. *Shakes her hand*

Caroline: *smile* Mister President. Good to see you again.

Nixon: *sits down* All right Cave, I've got two hours before a speech to autoworkers. What have you got for me?

Cave: Well, we ran the aliens through a series of hobo tests.

Nixon: Hobo tests? That some kind of jargon?

Cave: If by jargon you mean "really involving hobos", then yes! *Moves to turn off the lights, and turns on a projector while Caroline pulls down a projector screen* Frankly they're the only kind of test subjects we can get these days. Sixty bucks and they're off running the courses like good little labrats! See?

*Click*

Nixon: ... I take it that's one of the test subjects?

Cave: Ah, yes. Exposure to the moon spiders often results in stress, fear, anger, feelings of alienation...

Nixon: He's chewing off his own arm.

Cave: That too! That too! It's all very interesting.

Nixon: *groans* I've started to expect this kind of thing from you and let me tell you, I'm not happy about it.

Cave: Science, Mr. President! Science justifies everything done in it's name! Eventually! Posthumously maybe but it does!

Nixon: Did you learn anything _useful_ from them?

Cave: Actually yes, a few things. Caroline?

*CLICK*

Cave: We dunked this one in acid with only glass between it and the other ones, and the other ones freaked. We tried it again with a wall between them and they still freaked.

*CLICK*

Cave: But!

*CLICK*

Cave: Put a block of lead between them, and they didn't react at all.

Nixon: So... Radio link of some kind?

Cave: That's what we think is going on after we ruled out quantum telepathy. That's probably what all the screaming is of-Them talking to each other.

Nixon: So... They're intelligent?

Cave: Well, not individually... One of them couldn't solve the test chambers, even with our smallest portal gun.

*CLICK*

Cave: That one just got squished. But!

*CLICK*

Cave: Shove a whole lot of them together into a bag and give that bag a portal gun, and they were able to solve the problems pretty well!

Nixon: ... Cave, how did you get more of them?

Cave: Hm?

Nixon: We only sent you eight. Where did the others come from?

Cave: Ahhh... Well, we were down to one of them... And there was a hobo who passed out-

Nixon: Forget it. I don't want to hear it. I swear to God if they invade I'm throwing you to them first.

Cave: Well, as long as it's recorded for science, it won't be so bad.

Nixon: *sigh* So... They're like an ant colony?

Cave: Pretty much. We tried playing with different radio signals to get different reactions. THIS one really drives them nuts.

*CLICK*

Cave: While this one made them start eating each other.

*CLICK*

Cave: This one, the "Love Signal", made them start implanting eggs in each other.

*CLICK*

Cave: And now there are loads of tiny little ones that grow up to be big and strong!

Nixon: What do they eat?

Cave: Oh, almost anything. Silicates, metals, they're insanely efficient. The lab boys think they might be able to make a power cell small enough to remove the backpacks from our portal devices with a few more years of study... And uh, funding...?

Nixon: I'll look into it during my next term.

Cave: Right.

Nixon: Now Cave... Can we modify our existing technology to deal with these things? Because we're dropping Apollo 13 in on where we think we recorded the signal and the last thing I want is for them to be eaten by moon crabs.

Cave: Definitely! I'll send the radio frequency specs to NASA, and they can hook them up to the LEM. It should work to keep them away from the lander... Although the lab boys gave me some notes-

Caroline: Right here Mr. Johnson.

Cave: Ah, thank you... Ahem. "The aliens began to emit competing radio signals when the radio source was discovered. In theory, a large enough number of them could cancel out the signal entirely and devour the unfortunate soul emitting them like Fred. Why Fred, why? Why'd you have to be a hero? All that time in the lab we spent together-"

Caroline: Mr. Johnson?

Cave: Oh, right...

Nixon: *groan* All right... To make it so Fred didn't get eaten for nothing... How do we counter that?

Cave: Caroline worked it out herself, didn't you sweetie?

Caroline: *modestly* Well, it was a relatively simple fix. Just boost the power to the radio transceiver and pulse it, over and over again. Brute force. It's how we killed the ones that escaped.

Nixon: *filled with dread* How many have escaped?

Cave: Just the one... Dozen... We're sweeping the facility with radar now. Don't worry about a thing, Mister President! We're well below the water table so they can't possibly get out, contaminate the water supply and cause a plague of the damn things!

Nixon: They can't?

Cave: Well... We're pretty sure they can't.

Nixon: ...

Caroline: *cheerfully* Don't worry Mr. President. I've got the keys to the nuke you gave us.

Nixon: _Both_ of them?

Caroline: Both of them.

Nixon: Good.

Cave: *whine* But Caroliiiiine! I can be trusted with a nuclear weapon key! *Turns to Nixon* Really! I can!

Nixon: Just think of it as one less thing to worry about... For _both_ of us.

* * *

Why? Because _Apollo 18_ fucking _sucks_, _Portal_ and _Doctor Who_ are awesome, and damnit Nixon was awesome in that episode. Well everyone was awesome but making Nixon likable is a rare feat in pop culture nowadays.


	3. Chapter 3

_Apollo 18: The Nixon Files_

_A fix-fic by Andrew J. Talon_

Disclaimer: _Apollo 18_, _Portal_ and _Doctor Who_are the properties of their respective owners. This is a non-profit fan parody, please support the official release.

* * *

_April 13th, 1970_

_White House Situation Room, Washinton DC_

_(Duh)_

*Once again, President Nixon is meeting with his most trusted advisers, some of the greatest scientific minds on the planet... And Cave Johnson*

Cave: All right gentlemen... It's been a few months, but Apollo 13 is off for the moon and hopefully in the next few days we'll learn some more about these moon monsters in their natural habitat! But in the meantime, I've learned a few new things about these beasties, including how they react to our line of Gels-

Nixon: Cave, save it for the ad campaign. What new information do you have?

Cave: Well... They get bigger.

Laird: How _much_bigger?

Cave: *Passes around photos* We call that one "Tiny".

Kissinger: ... Mr. Johnson-

Cave: Call me Cave!

Kissinger: ... Cave, "Tiny" is the size of a Volkswagon Beetle.

Cave: Yep!

Laird: I think it's called "irony", Henry.

Kissinger: A subject your mother was familiar with when she bore you, surely.

Laird: Leave my mother out of this!

Nixon: All right, all right... Save the mother jokes for later, boys. Cave! How bad are the bigger ones?

Cave: Not so bad... They're pretty sluggish. As you can see in Picture 4, they failed the "Run From Molten Lead" test pretty spectacularly. On the plus side, we now have new statues for the lobby!

Laird: How about intelligence? How smart are they?

Cave: Well, for that, I'm going to show off my secretary and our new Temporary Sight and Sound Recording Section! Roll 'em!

*A projector screen comes down as the lights dim. The film rolls, and a title card bearing the words "MOON CRAB MONSTERS AND YOU" appears before shifting to two children, a boy and a girl*

Caroline: This is Billy and Gladys, two normal, every day human children.

*The image switches to two of the moon monsters, one wearing a bow and the other a baseball cap. Neither looks particularly happy, as they click their claws together*

Caroline: This is Joe and Agnes, two normal, every day Moon monsters. We're going to see just how different these two species are when it comes to problem solving!

*The scene shifts to one of Billy and Gladys painting*

Caroline: Billy and Gladys cheerfully use their paints to create vivid images of their experiences and images in their imagination. Oh look, Joe drew a baseball star flying on a rocket ship! And Gladys drew a samurai in a field of sunflowers! What wonderful imaginations these kids have! Let's see what Joe and Agnes made!

*The scene is the same room, only the two moon monsters are devouring the paints and the easels... And the chairs...*

Caroline: Oh dear! Looks like Joe and Agnes have a very different kind of art in mind... Let's see how they do after watching Billy and Gladys painting through double-pane bullet proof glass!

*Some time later, we see the two monsters imitating Billy and Gladys somewhat... They are at least using the paints and brushes...*

Caroline: It is a bit hard for them to use paint brushes with their claws, but let's see what they come up with...

*Joe and Agnes hold up images of crude human figures cut apart into pieces with blood splattered all over*

Caroline: Oh... My... Um... How... Creative of you two!

*The scene shifts to Billy and Gladys washing their hands before a meal, then sitting down to eat*

Caroline: As you can see, Billy and Gladys cheerfully wash their hands before food, say grace, and then eat with good table manners.

*The scene shifts to Joe and Agnes who proceed to absolutely trash the washroom, destroy the table, and eat everything that isn't nailed down-Including the screaming cameraman*

Caroline: Joe and Agnes... Do not. Um, let's move on...

Cave: Ugh... Skip the domestic tests. Don't know _why_she insisted on those. She's indispensible to the operation but she just keeps living in the past!

Kissinger: Where did you get those children?

Cave: ... Garage sale.

Laird: Garage sale?

Cave: They were very inexpensive and-Oh look! Science! Science is happening on the screen!

*Billy and Gladys work together to solve an Aperture Science test-They use an Aperture Science Portable Quantum Tunneling Device to transport Propulsion Gel up a wall, and run up it to shoot through a portal to land on a patch of Repulsion Gel and bounce up to a wall. They high five each other, despite the weight of the Portal Device powerpacks on their backs*

Caroline: As you can see, Billy and Gladys can work together using the Aperture Science Portable Quantum Tunneling Device to overcome obstacles using teamwork and ingenuity.

*Joe and Agnes instead end up covered in the Repulsion Gel, and use the Propulsion Gel to send themselves flying through the walls, destroying large amounts of expensive equipment and sending numerous Aperture Science employees running while screaming*

Caroline: Joe and Agnes instead utilize the technology at their disposal to wreak havoc and chaos...

*Joe fiddles with his device, causing it to blink bright red. The monster begins to chew on it. The film switches to a view _much_farther away, and a building marked "Test Lab 17" explodes*

Caroline: And end up destroying themselves.

*The scene switches to a picture of a Moon Crab blasting people with a ray gun*

Caroline: Based on these and other extensive (and expensive) tests done by Aperture Science, it is clear that if the Moon Monsters were to get their claws on human technology, they would use it to crush, destroy, enslave and exterminate the human race.

*Another card takes it's place, with a picture of a human astronaut giving a thumbs up on the moon, while moon monsters are behind large transparent fences peacefully munching on rocks.*

Caroline: While if humans were to get their hands on Moon Monster technology, nothing bad would happen to the Moon Monsters... Because they have no technology! They could peacefully live out their lives in cordoned off pens kept away from us.

*The scene switches to Caroline, with her arms wrapped around the shoulders of Billy and Gladys. The children are heavily bandaged up, but otherwise in good spirits*

Caroline: So make the right decision! Make the Moon safe for Man, and you make Earth safe for Man!

Kids: Stamp out the Moon Monster Menace!

*The film ends on a triumphant note of music, and the reel snaps. The light go back up*

Cave: Any questions, gentlemen?

Laird: ... Have you ever been to a shrink, Mr. Johnson?

Cave: Loads of times! They keep calling me back!

Nixon: *sighs* Cave, we get the picture... Henry, what's the news with the Russians?

Kissinger: There have been a few disappearances, but they might just be the result of Brezhnev's internal crackdowns. If there was a massive infection, it would not be hard to spot given how that poor intern died.

Laird: And the numerous "test subjects" at Johnson's company...

Cave: Hey, when making an omelet sometimes you have to drop a load of hobos into a cage with a moon monster.

Nixon: In the short term what can we expect?

Kissinger: They're already accelerating their unmanned lunar exploration programs. Clearly they know something is going on.

Nixon: Let's just hope we find something useful first. I don't fancy the idea of the Russians bringing back a cartload of moon monsters and displaying them in the middle of a parade...

Laird: Do you think they'd be that stupid?

Nixon: Their public trust in regards to space travel is at an all time low, a stunt like that might be the only way to get it back up. We were the first on the moon, but they were the "first" to bring back aliens.

Cave: Just the kind of marketing I'd do! It's foolproof!

Laird: ... Say no more, Mr. President.

Nixon: *nods* Good... With luck, in a few days Apollo 13 will have landed, we'll have a means of dealing with them, and the Russians won't doom Earth.

*Phone Call*

Nixon: Excuse me... Yes? ... Uh huh... Uh huh... Wait, what do you _mean_a problem? ... I see... I'll be right there. *He hangs up*

Kissinger: ... Mr. President?

Nixon: *takes a deep breath* FfffffffuuuuuuUUUUCCCCCKKKK!

* * *

Why? Because _Apollo 18_ fucking _sucks_, _Portal_ and _Doctor Who_ are awesome, and damnit Nixon was awesome in that episode. Well everyone was awesome but making Nixon likable is a rare feat in pop culture nowadays.


	4. Chapter 4

_Apollo 18: The Nixon Files_

_A fix-fic by Andrew J. Talon_

Disclaimer: _Apollo 18_, _Portal_ and _Doctor Who_are the properties of their respective owners. This is a non-profit fan parody, please support the official release.

* * *

_April 27th, 1970_

_ The Oval Office, The White House, Washington DC_

*Commander James Lovell and President Richard Nixon meet together, shaking hands. The doors close and anti-eavesdropping technology goes online.*

Nixon: Jim! It's great to see you again. How is the family?

Lovell: Things feel like they're getting back to normal, sir. Marylin still acts like I'm going to be blown out of an airlock if she doesn't fuss over me, but she'll get over it. She was like this after the last time I went to the moon.

Nixon: Understandable. Pat wouldn't let me out of her sight for a month or two after I got back from the war. I didn't even see combat. If I had gone to the moon, I'd only have gotten off my leash last week.

*Both men laugh*

Lovell: Mr. President, while I do like meeting you I am a little concerned about it becoming a common occurrence. The debriefing was pretty extensive.

Nixon: Yes, but that was the debriefing. This is looking to the future. Sit down please?

Lovell: Certainly... *Sits* Sir, you're not sending me back to the moon, are you?

Nixon: *sits on the couch opposite Lovell* I hope not Jim, but it's a possibility. Your last mission was a...

Lovell: Successful failure?

Nixon: Yes, but it proved you, your crew and NASA can handle a crisis in mid-flight and survive. It's something we're going to need.

Lovell: Didn't even get to test the gear out on the moon spiders. Freddo was pretty gung ho about it, said something about "testing out his BFG".

Nixon: BF...?

Lovell: Big Fucking Gun.

Nixon: Ah. Part of me is glad you didn't, but we need to find out as much as possible about these damn things. When Thirteen exploded I though they'd figured out how to shoot our ships down.

Lovell: I hope to God they haven't. It'd be hard to explain to the Russians why we're carrying guns on our capsules now.

Nixon: Agreed. We've got some men working on ways of dealing with them. The radar gun is just the latest system, others are in development. I'd like you to do work on them from NASA's end with a... Specialist we've hired. He's a bit of a... Well... He's a nut, but he's come through and-

Lovell: Cave Johnson?

Nixon: *Surprised* Hwah?

Lovell: Tom is surprisingly talkative when he's liquored up.

Nixon: *grumbles* What a Mickey Mouse club this is...

Lovell: Relax Mr. President. I trained to deal with deadly moon spiders, I can probably deal with this guy.

Nixon: Astronauts have a bad habit of vanishing around him, so you know I wouldn't ask you if I didn't need to, but frankly we're devoting as much energy as we can to this problem without making it public.

Lovell: Don't worry Mr. President. We'll fix this. I'm not counting humanity out of the fight just because of one missed moon landing.

Nixon: That's what I needed to hear. Furthermore Jim... I need you for a very different reason.

Lovell: Uh huh?

Nixon: A very serious reason.

Lovell: Uh huh...?

Nixon: ... To put it in the clearest terms possible... I need someone who is... What's the word?

Lovell: ... *Looks to his right and left* Sane?

Nixon: Yes! That's the one! When dealing with Cave Johnson. His secretary keeps him reined in somewhat but he's got a hell of a lot of will, charisma... And crazy. Damn but he's got a lot of crazy.

Lovell: How crazy are we talking?

Nixon: You remember the video we showed you about Joe and Agnes?

Lovell: ... Say no more, Mr. President. Say no more.

_October 17th, 1970_

White House Situation Room, Washington DC

*President Richard Nixon, Sec. of State Henry Kissinger, Sec. of Defense Melvin Robert Laird, Administrator of NASA Thomas O. Paine, Head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Admiral Thomas Hinman Moorer, Aperture Science CEO Cave Johnson and Commander James Lovell meet*

Nixon: Well gentlemen, the crap's hit the fan this time. The damn Soviets put a robot on the moon, a fucking robot!

Kissinger: Come on Mr. President, it's not that bad.

Cave: Robots huh? We've been looking into that. We've tried piloted ones to start. How was that, Commander Lovell? Great, wasn't it? Wasn't it?

Lovell: ...

Nixon: ... Jim?

Paine: Jim? You all right?

Lovell: ... Sorry Mr. President. It's taking everything I have to not strangle Mr. Johnson. Just give me a minute... Or two... I'll be fine.

Nixon: ... Cave...

Cave: It was just one test, one test with mantis men! A few escaped, breeded, who knew they were so popular with the ladies?

Lovell: URGE. TO KILL. RISING.

Nixon: Cave, hide under the table for a while.

Cave: Again?

Nixon: _Again._

*Cave, in a huff, hides beneath the table*

Nixon: All right... The Soviets have a robot up there. Where did it land?

Paine: In Mare Imbrium, or the Sea of Rains. It's a mare in the northern regions of the moon.

Nixon: Northern. All right... Could they have spotted the signal we got?

Paine: Possibly, but if they did they're way off. Fra Mauro's at 6.0°S 17.0°W on the moon, Mare Imbrium's at 32.8°N 15.6°W.

Nixon: You did say the scatter meant that the signal might have come from anywhere though, right?

Paine: Yes, but even so that's clear across the moon's surface. It doesn't make sense... Unless the Soviets picked up another signal.

Nixon: Cave? Any idea how large the spread of these things might be across the moon?

Cave: *slightly muffled* If you could hand me the papers? They're on the table... Little to your left, Henry!

Kissinger: ... *Passes the papers to Lovell, who has calmed down*

Cave: Hey! Come on! Let me read them!

Nixon: No Cave, stay under the table.

Cave: When can I come out-?

Nixon: When I _say_so. Jim?

Lovell: Well... Most of my part of the... *twitch* Testing involved the robots we've been developing. Freddo took care of the aliens.

Nixon: And?

Lovell: Given their diet, their random growth patterns, their varying intelligence depending on the stimuli they receive... They're probably all over the entire moon's surface. They could survive in the eternally dark craters at the south and north poles, across the mares, in the lava tubes-Pretty much anywhere. Freddo's been running them through various environments based on his geology training. He says it's possible they didn't evolve so much as were created.

Nixon: Created?

Paine: *clears his throat* It would make sense. They can survive in a vacuum, they can camoflague themselves perfectly, they can adapt to any environment... Humans can do that but we require technology.

Kissinger: But to evolve to do everything is not a viable survival trait that could occur naturally. Ergo... Artificial lifeforms.

Cave: Like robots!

Nixon: Quiet Cave.

Cave: I'll show you to tell me to be quiet, ooh just wait...

Nixon: I can still hear you Cave.

Cave: I figured it out after the _fifth_time, thanks!

Lovell: Analysis of their internals, their molecular make up leads us to the conclusion it's all modular and efficient. It could be constructed, or it could be natural. Frankly, we don't have a lot of other aliens for comparison...

Nixon: So, worst case scenario. Somebody put these things on the moon.

Laird: I still think it's early to jump to that conclusion, Mr. President.

Kissinger: So did your mother, but she still jumped.

Laird: All right, that's it! One more joke about my mom and I'll shove your glasses right up your ass you Hamburger munching-

Nixon: Boys, boys! Don't make me separate you two. Now, we know these suckers are dangerous. That's a given. But we don't know just how dangerous. If they're lunar pests and wildlife, we can deal with that when we colonize it.

Lovell: They might just be acting defensively. How would we react if we got plucked off Earth and dumped in some lab? Dunked in acid... Forced to run tests... Squashed... Boiled in lead...

Cave: Hey! That last one... They were too slow! Besides, we tried treating them with kindness and you saw what happened! Cameraman family lawsuits, that's what happened!

Nixon: It's possible Jim... But given what they did to that intern and Aperture Science's employees, you can understand me wanting one hell of a flyswatter ready for them just in case.

Lovell: True, true...

Laird: *Phone call!* Uh huh? Uh huh? Right... Mr. President, we've got telemetry from the Russian lander.

Nixon: What? How?

Laird: CARDINAL'S work, probably. We're patching it in now.

*The signal comes in through a TV brought in by the aides. A black and white image of the lunar surface comes through, as well as Russian commentary*

Nixon: How many people are picking this up?

Laird: Just us and the Soviet mission control.

*The image slowly rotates, before going back to an image of a large boulder on the moon. It then shudders*

Lovell: Uh oh...

*The rock unfurls, becoming a gigantic moon monster that wraps it's legs around the rover and brings it's mouth parts down on the camera, crushing it. The signal goes dead*

Nixon: ...

Kissinger: Well... It appears that, if the Russians did not know before, they know now.

Nixon: Tom, how soon until Apollo 14's ready to go?

Tom: We're still sorting out the problems with 13-

Nixon: Damnit Tom!

Tom: Three months!

Nixon: *sigh* ... Three months it is...

Cave: ... Can I come up now?

Nixon: No.

* * *

**Well I was just sitting on this part, but what the hell, here you go. Happy Thanksgiving.**


End file.
